SISTERS
Written by Margaret Hess Morris

My sister Kathy is three years younger than myself. Due to a complication at birth, she is developmentally disabled. Kathy attends the Dimensions Adult Day program at Villa Esperanza. I attend to Kathy. It wasn’t always this way.

Two years ago I was happily living my life on the beautiful island of Maui. Kathy was happily living her life in Pasadena with our parents in the home where they had all lived for nearly fifty years. Our parents had become old, but were still living strong and independent lives. Dad’s health had been on the decline, but he was still getting around and was buoyed by getting his driver’s license renewed at age 83. Mother was napping a little more often, but she ran the house as she always had and kept up with her charity work and patriotic organizations.  While Kathy required help and supervision with some tasks, in many ways she had become a helpmate to our parents. She had an excellent memory and plenty of energy which came in handy whenever Mother misplaced her glasses or her handbag. In a naïve way, I guess it seemed that the status quo would just continue.

Suddenly, both of our parents become unwell. Mother hurt her back and Dad was very slow to recover from a bout of pneumonia. One day they were both at the house. The next day they were both in the hospital. Neither one would ever return home.

For the first two weeks of their hospitalization, our brother Phillip stayed
with Kathy. As conditions deteriorated rapidly, I took a month’s leave from
my job and took over while he returned to his home in Arizona. Mother and Dad had been transferred to a nursing home where they shared a room together. Kathy and I went to visit them every day. Very unexpectedly, I received a call one Saturday morning that Mother had been taken to the emergency room. She died later that night from complications due to a blood disorder.

Until my parents’ hospitalization, Kathy had never spent a night away from them. She and our mother were rarely apart for more than a few hours a
day. I had left home in my late teens to go to college and hadn’t lived there since. I had married, raised a child, divorced, and had been living independently and supporting myself for the last 20 years.

My parents had never made a plan for what would happen after they were gone. None of us would have imagined the way it would all play out. I always knew that I would have a role in my sister’s life, but I never saw this coming. It was the hardest decision I had ever made in my life, but at the same time, it was no decision at all. Someone had to take care of Kathy and it was me. In the space of ten days, I packed up my life on Maui and moved back into the family home in Pasadena.

I have been here for almost two years. I have adjusted to life with Kathy and Kathy has adjusted to life with me. Some days go pretty smoothly and other days are pretty rough. I am probably the least qualified caregiver on the planet except for the fact that I do care and I am here. I have learned to lower my expectations as needed while still remaining hopeful. On the days when I have totally lost my patience with Kathy, I try to remember that she gets pretty exhausted with me too.  We are typical sisters; no matter what happens, at the end of the day we still love each other. We lost our dad six months ago. We have learned that life goes on whether you are ready or not.

Villa Esperanza has been a lifesaver to our family. Attending the Dimensions program was the continuous thread in Kathy’s daily routine that provided distraction and support for all that was happening in her life. Her coaches have been super human in their level of patience and understanding. She has gone through so much and has grown enormously in the process. Providing love, care, and hope has become a reality for our family. Thank you for all that you have done for us.